I made a life decision...

My ex boyfriend and I TRY to be friends. Really, we do... but sometimes it ends up in conversations like this:


Him: I'm depressed
Me: Sorry
Him: Yea, your life is all peachy and happy. I'm glad you're loving life.




That's exactly the response I got from him several minutes ago. So, I sent him this:






Today, at church... we had a sermon. And it was about pride and doing the right thing and living life for God and stuff.

It was weird, though, because when it came time to have our silence before communion (it's kind of a "pray and when you're ready, go get communion from the front" thing) I started crying. I couldn't STOP crying. Glass, Ruthie (his sister) and I were the only 3 on our row and we got up to get it and everything was blurry. I couldn't stop crying.

It wasn't about the sermon. It wasn't about pride. It wasn't about doing the right thing.

I was THANKFUL.

I was sitting there, between Ruthie & Glass and thinking about how incredibly THANKFUL I am for both of them. Of course, I'm thankful for Glass b/c of the house stuff but also because he's a good guy and a good friend and one of those "willing to help anyone out" people. I'm thankful for him because in the short amount of time I've known him, I've learned about myself and about God. I've learned about other people in different ways too and it's hard for me to explain... He's very different than anyone I've ever met and I STILL cannot get a good "read" on him lol. Trying to learn how he operates so that I can try to be a good counselor. Sure, I can talk to anyone who will talk freely but when they don't... I struggle with that. 

I'm thankful for Ruthie because if it were not for her, I wouldn't be able to live in that house either - because Glass would have already rented it out to someone else. He held off on doing so until she graduated from college.

I also learned today, through Ruthie, that growing up, they lived in a trailer. I knew they lived on a farm but not in a trailer. 8 kids. Trailer. Yea. Exactly.

I was thankful that I didn't have to live in conditions like that. 

I was thankful for Ms M and for D and for *A*... for *A* because even though he was my best friend and he brought me to church, he doesn't believe like I believe. He believes in God, sure, just maybe not the same one as me. He introduced me to D, and as you know, her family took me in.

As I was sitting there in church, I was thinking about these people who have come into my life and helped me. I was thinking about how D & her parents actually SAVED me from myself. They protected me. If that's not sovereignty, I don't know what is. 

I am THANKFUL. I am so thankful. 

I am thankful to have the people in my life that are in my life. Those people MAKE it easier. They make it easier because I allow it. They make it easier because I let it be. They are there because God wants them to be. I am THANKFUL in ways that may be unimaginable to you.

After the service, I was talking to the pastor and I told him a little bit about my story. 

You know, I'm even thankful for the bad shit that happened because I am happy with who I am. Yes, believe it or not, I am thankful for being molested, for being raped at knife point, for being beaten by an ex. I'm thankful for being emotionally abused, verbally abused, mentally and sexually abused. I'm thankful for the physical abuse. I'm thankful that I'm allergic to beer because if I were not, I may be an alcoholic. 

I am thankful that, in my darkest time, in my worst moment, in the worst place I've been in since becoming a parent, I was completely enveloped by God on day one the way home from work.

I am THANKFUL for all the bad things in my life and I am entirely grateful for all the good things I have. It's not that I EARNED them. It's not that I DESERVE them - I don't feel that I do. It's that I've had so much worse and I know how much worse it can be. 

So yea, I am happy. Life is peachy. I love life.

I am happy and peachy and loving life because I CHOOSE to do so.

Did you know some fucking cunt of a doctor told my friend that she should just go home to die because her quality of life was just SO. POOR?

Yeah, that actually happened - a few weeks ago. 

She refused. She CHOOSES to be happy with her life. She could literally die any day and she chooses to be happy and not mope. 

I wake up terrified every single day that my world is going to come crashing down... that I can't pay bills or that something catastrophic will happen to me or my kids. I am scared daily. DAILY.

I CHOOSE to be happy. I CHOOSE to love my life... because I choose to never feel the way I did when I was married or living at home. EVER again.