The other night, I was talking to the ex bf and I realized that we are STILL stuck in a cycle where even though we are just friends, there are still emotions involved. Even though there is no sex, there are still emotions involved.
I had to tell him to go. I had to tell him that I'm interested in dating other people. I had to tell him that I know there is no future for us and that he should run away so that he doesn't get hurt by finding out some other way.
I told him that we can't continue this cycle because we both know how it will end, at least for the next several years.
He said he's sad but he understands. He even wished me good luck. Every time I think about it, I get all sad.
I never wanted to hurt him but I can't be his mistress. Even though he's not actively married, having to hide me from his ex wife so that she won't trip out makes me his mistress. At first, when we first started dating, I was OK with that. It was none of her damn business. I hid him from my ex husband as long as I could. After almost 3 years of being emotionally involved though? No, that makes me a mistress no matter how you look at it.
He wanted to try to work things out and come see me on Mondays and Wednesdays... and just tell her he couldn't be with the kids b/c he was working late. You know, like if I was HIS MISTRESS.
I'm not mad at him, though. He is doing what he feels is best for him in his life. I may not agree in the least but it's not my life to run.
I do still feel bad for breaking his heart. I know how much that sucks.
Ironically, he is NOT the reason for the new blog.
Anyway, moving on...
You know how when you are a kid you get all wigged out if your mom finds out something you did that was wrong? EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. my mom asked to talk to me alone after I lost my virginity, I was convinced it was because she just KNEW I was having sex.
I lost the V my senior year in high school - to a guy I'd known since I was 6. I also had a huuuuuge party at my house the first week of senior year when my mom was out of town (I blame her for being out of town the first few weeks of my senior year AND for telling me I could have a party. I mean... duh).
A few weeks passed and my mom never found out about the party. Within those few weeks, I lost my virginity.
A few days after having sex, my mom calls me into her room.
Mom: "We need to talk"
Me (in my head): HOLY SHIT, HOW DID SHE KNOW?!?! Man! I'm never going to be able to see Pinky Dick ever again, and I'm going to be grounded forEVER and I won't be let outside the house by myself... awwww shit.
Me (talking): Yes?
Mom: Sigh. Did you have a party while I was gone?
Me: Yes.
Mom: Was there alcohol involved?
Me: Yes.
Mom: Do you know how much TROUBLE I could have been in if something HAPPENED?!
(insert rant about responsibility here)
Me: How did you know?
Mom: Our next door neighbor (the former chief of police with 3 sons who are officers, 2 of whom live with him) called and left me a voicemail today.
Me: Oh.
Me (inside my head): THANK. GOD. it was only about that and not about sex. PHEW!
Surprisingly I wasn't grounded. My mom also appreciated the fact that I moved all antique furniture to my room to safeguard it from the people at the party.
Besides, it's not like I was living the high life. There wasn't much to ground me FROM, seeing as I was in school and working and watching my little brothers when I wasn't working... and in the off chance I had a free evening, I was 4 houses away watching TV with my boyfriend or doing something with him and my older brother and our friends.
Still, the guilt of my mother finding out I had sex drove me insane!
4 comments:
ha. I remember after moving out and dating a guy and then later moving in together announcing to my mother I was engaged, and her response is, THANK GOD you don't live here so people won't know you lived in sin prior to marriage.
My mother had blown thru multiple marriages and live in boy friends at this point and we weren't catholic.
I kept thinking, "really? "
I refuse to do the "secret relationship" thing. Had to once, in college, when my gf's parents hated me, so she had to see me on the DL.
Never again. I eventually ended things because I was like, "How can we ever have a future if you can't even tell your mom we're together?"
I can't imagine that dance as a grown up. IMHO, an Ex doesn't get a say-so in who I date, kids or not.
It was a little more complicated - she would have taken the kids to another state (so he says... and I believe him because I've met her and heard her say stuff about going to school in the state where her mom lives)... but that is not a reason to keep me hanging.
It's unacceptable.
At first, sure, don't rock the boat. There comes a time to be a man, though, and for him, being a man was making sure his kids stayed with him, here in town. I can't fault that but it sometimes feels like I wasted time.
Yo, wait...I could have SWORN I saw you at the "bad catholics" mass...you AREN'T in that club???? lmao
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