I told him I was late...

Don't you just love the "omg, is she pregnant?" drama?
Yeah. Me too. Meh.


Still, I'm going to share. I'm a week late as of today. Since Sunday, I have felt no stress about it but my body has still felt... "off"


I was told NOT to tell Glass that I was late. I was told NOT to tell him anything. I was told that if I said something he would not let me rent his house, I would not get to sleep with him ever again (which, honestly, would be a travesty) and I was told that I would lose my friend. 


So, of course, I told him. 


Why? I was at church on Sunday and I could barely speak to him without shaking. Literally SHAKING. He asked me what was wrong and I told him I was just not feeling well. Totally true but I was SHAAAAAKIIIIING. I tried to avoid him. I found out he insinuated to the (only other) single female friend of ours that we had been sleeping together which really shocked the hell out of me.


I left and immediately sent him a text saying we should probably talk, I'm still outside - was he going straight home? The problem was, his sister came to church with him. That has never happened! 


So, we talked. Outside the church. In the parking lot. Sooooo awkward!


It went incredibly well. As in, I cannot explain how well. 


Me: Sorry for being cryptic. I'm 4 days late. 
Him: Oh. (pause) I thought you said you were getting on birth control the other day?
Me: Yeah, you have to start your period before you can start birth control.
Him: Oh. 


So then after a little while, some awkward talking, etc., I told him that I debated whether or not to say ANYTHING because I don't want to freak him out if it's nothing... but at the same time it's honest and I'm horrible with holding things back when they are important. I also told him that I was concerned if I found out I AM pregnant, I wouldn't be able to just not call him or tell him and I wouldn't be able to wait until I saw him in person - meaning I could theoretically give him a phone call when he's 2000 miles away and spring it on him so I wanted him to have a heads up. Plus that whole part about how The Jerk fainted when I told him about Kiddo.


I told him that I would let him know as soon as I knew something and to not take my silence as "news" either way. I also assured him that everything would be OK.


I confessed that I was scared to say anything to him. He hugged me and told me he appreciated the heads up.


I waited til Tuesday evening to contact him again.


Email. Emails are totally fun and appropriate, right?
To be fair he HATES talking on the phone...


It went something like this (I edited out irrelevant shit):


Me:


Sorry, I don't have any news to report. Bah! I really thought that if I said something to you, I'd start immediately. 

It's possible my body hates me but honestly I'm not convinced one way or the other. A late positive on a pregnancy test isn't abnormal but that's not to say that's what will happen. Something is going on. A baby? I really don't know...

I feel bad for saying something to you - in some ways. It's one of those things that's a toss-up, I guess. "Do I say something and have him stress when it could be for no reason?"... and then on the other hand I felt like telling you was the proper thing to do because it's honest and I felt like you had a right to know.

I hope you are okay and not freaking out. 

His response:

Yeah well I am freaking out.  But it's better that I know.  We need to know something or do something fast.

Me: 

"Do something"? I'm not sure what you mean...

I thought you might be freaking out. I'm truly sorry. Like I told you the other day, I'd rather tell you in person that there's a possibility than surprise you with a phone call (or worse) while you're out of town. There's not anything you or I can do at this point to hurry any results unfortunately. Sigh.

Any questions? Maybe I should just give info if you ask something specific... This isn't exactly a situation I've been in previously.

Him:

Yeah, i'm a guy. I do stuff. That's what i do. We dont do the nothing thing well. No questions. Just not sure what to do. 

Me: 

I don't do the nothing thing well either. I'm a "fixer". Patience is a virtue I only pretend to possess.

Him: 

You know, what really sucks is that worrying about it adds more stress, that would make you later, that would add more stress... 

********

So, basically, yeah, he's freaking out.

Today, I went to get a quantitative blood test which will tell me if the pregnancy hormone is in my system and, if so, how much. The one I had before had a minimum threshold and basically was a waste of my money.

I sent him a text telling him that I was going to get blood drawn. I'd explained previously that my health insurance was crappy and a hindrance because everything is out of pocket prior to the deductible.

Me: Getting blood work done today. Should know tomorrow.

Him: Fun

Me: I expect 2 blown veins but at least I found someone willing to test me

Him: Willing?

Me: It's a midwife who will draw blood today without an exam, interview, appointment or massive cost. I expected to have to wait for an appointment.

Him: Well sooner is better. Need help with the cost? I figure it's probably half my fault.

Me: That's nice of you :D Maybe. They said $75? I will let you know if it's more than that. If negative, you can buy the first month of birth control lol.

Him: Yeah, let's just go for negative.

Me: I wish I could tell you I had a feeling about the result but it's really a toss up :( We can definitely hope!

him: not what I need to hear

Me: I'm sorry. We'll know tomorrow so try to put it out of your head til then. hopefully I'm just the bitch who freaked  you out over nothing.

Him: Well that is the best case scenario.

Me: And in the worst case scenario we'll figure it out. It'll be OK.

Him: Never talk worst case scenario with a security consultant

Me: Yes'm Massuh

If it's negative you are going to bitch slap me for making you worry, eh?

Him: I'll be too busy celebrating.

Me: You'll need a drink either way. hopefully I can have one too.

Him: You better

Me: As long as I don't have an allergic reaction!

Him: no pear cider

**I recently had an allergic reaction to pear cider he insisted I try.

Me: So sad. Tastes really good. When do you come home?

Him: Not sure. Why?

Me: If negative, first celebratory beer is on me.

Him: No if. Think negative thoughts.

Me: Okay. How's this? I was hoping we'd have a chance and reason to celebrate so I was wondering when you might be available to do so. Better?

Him: Haha okay. I'll make time.

Did y'all notice something in there? Anything? A LACK of anything?

1. Not once, not ever, did he so much as insinuate this was my fault, get upset with me for theoretically potentially getting knocked up or demean me in any way whatsoever. Keep in mind, we are not in a relationship - just friends who randomly have sex.

2. He's freaking out, yes, but he's not freaking out ON ME. He's being all normal "freak out", like a HUMAN. Saying "I am freaked out" and "I hope you're not" but not getting all crazy and saying hurtful stuff.

3. No, he does not want a baby right now but not once has he EVER suggested that I should have gotten the morning after pill, an abortion, mentioned that he hopes for a miscarriage or anything of the sort. It doesn't seem to be a thought in his mind, either. 

4. He leaves open the possibility of me being pregnant (and also NOT pregnant) but is willing to take responsibility for TESTING to make sure. That, to me, is a big deal. 

5. Us hanging out and sleeping together seems to still be on the table.

6. Me moving into his house is still going to happen

7. He comforted ME when I told him that I was scared to say anything to him.


8. The final thing... Most men would consider me in "pariah" status by now, ESPECIALLY if I freaked them out over nothing. He may be getting home on Saturday and possible flying out again Sunday afternoon... yet he's "making time" for me?
I've had guys that I was with for YEARS not make time for me - for REAL shit, like my birthday and crap. OK, so that's on the list of why we are not together anymore but... I thought it was really sweet.

I'm not used to this sort of treatment, y'all. A NORMAL response, a MATURE reaction, a NICE conversation, complete with laughter about a VERY serious thing that would throw both our worlds completely upside down... and we can joke and laugh about it. We're both stressed about this but we handle it in the same way. 

DAMN I wish he was in town more often! I would love to have a REAL relationship with him, like two normal people. Sigh.

I will find out in about 14 hours if I am pregnant or not. I'll be sure to update if I can. At this point, I leave open the possibility that my body hates me or that I am pregnant. Either way. Neither makes sense to me yet they both do. I'm extremely confused but have felt MUCH less stressed since telling Glass about the possibility. 

I know it's the extreme faux pas but I really think it was the right thing to do.






Oh, and I'm NOT pregnant. And Glass is still talking to me. Lots. And offering to pay for birth control and stuff.